My Cat Swallowed Viagra

Cats accidentally swallow all kinds of things. Mine once swallowed Viagra.

It all started when my best friend Charlotte's boyfriend: Earl, enlisted me for some advice as to what to buy her for Christmas. Since Charlotte and I have been friends since childhood, he was under the impression I could somehow manifest the perfect present that eludes his tiny male mind. Yes I'm the "Girlfriend Whisper," apparently. (Perhaps there is some truth there.) This particular day, I was having none of it, and when he asked, "What do I get her Liv? Come on! Help me!" I jokingly suggested he try surrendering his sexual freewill to her by buying a bottle of Viagra, and include a note saying that he would take it when ever she wants. I expected him to laugh at the idea of being emasculated of his manhood, and say "Seriously... you're such a feminist!", like he always does, but he didn't.

In fact, he didn't take it as a joke at all, and the next night I get a call from Earl telling me he had ordered the Viagra on Internet. He then proceeds to tell me he had it sent to my house to hide until Christmas. Reluctantly and without really having a choice in the matter I said. "OK?"

So a couple of weeks go by and the Viagra shows up at our door. I call Earl to tell him his box labeled United Medical Precision had arrived in the mail.

Earl asks "Can you wrap it for me Liv?"

I said "Why can't you?"

Earl says "Men don't wrap gifts".

"Fine!" I said, "I'll wrap it for you," frustrated with the idea I was wrapping a package of Viagra. So later that night I wrapped it up, and stuck it under the Christmas tree with the other gifts we had bought for the kids and our friends. Earl said he'd drop by on Christmas morning and pick the Viagra up.

A few days later I'm sitting on the couch watching television. I see Schitzy, our fifty pound fat cat peek out from behind the Christmas tree. I noticed his eyes appeared a bit bigger than normal, and he had an unusual fixation, a death glare if you will, now focused at Sunshine, our other male cat.

It was only when Schitzy made his mid-air jump, I was able to see Schitzy was fully, well, how do I say this... erect. But this wasn't the odd part. The odd part was Schitzy jumping at all. This is a huge Kitty by any measure of calculation. Normally I would have assumed that much fat, moving that fast would kill him, but it didn't. He is no normal kitty, I know that now.

I look over to see an unwrapped, open package of Viagra sitting under the tree. The pills had came in a little box containing the usual foil bubble packaging. Combined with a shiny wrapping paper, tinsel, and bows there's hardly a cat on this earth who isn't attracted to such pretty, shiny toys. Schitzy, however has a strange knack for curiosity, and I can only imagine that he batted the Viagra package around for days with his paws, all unnoticed to me, as he investigated this strange curiosity till he finally reached the interesting tasting blue pill and swallowed it.

So by the time I had connected the dots, so to say, Schitzy is in mid-flight, six feet in the air. Sunshine who is casually laying on the couch cleaning himself with his tongue, (clearly a turn-on for Schitz,) turns, looks up, and sees Schitzy locked and loaded bearing down down on him like a George Bush era bunker buster missile. I've never, in my life, seen the face of horror on a cat, like I did that day on Sunshine.

Sunshine is quick to react though. He runs and leaps off the couch like a victim running from a serial killer. Schitzy, too busy with his impromptu landing, rains down on the couch with such a force, that he rebounded twice before mindlessness engaging in humping the arm of the couch. A few seconds later he realizes the furniture is not Sunshine and sees his pussy running down the hall with his tail tucked between his legs. Schitzy launches after him like caged rocket set loose in the house. Viagra in his veins, he is unstoppable as he ignores my pleading "bad kitty, bad!" Schitzy makes one final leap, carefully calculating his trajectory and nails it, slamming down on the back Sunshine, and whose quivering legs give out under the burden of Schitz. Unable to move under the fifty pounds of blubber, Sunshine can only scream at the horrors of all catkind with his odd screeching growling sounds.

This was no slow love machine either. Schitzy was humping Sunshine's brains out. It was insane! I thought about intervening but to be honest I hadn't seen Schitzy this active since lasagna went on sale at grocery store.

So I rang Earl and I explained that there might be a problem. Earl asks "Whats that noise in the back?" I said that's our problem. I tell Earl what happened and he begins laughing so hard he literally started to cry. He said the story alone was worth every dime he spent, and said he'd be over in a few minutes.

A few minutes later, Earl shows up and the first thing he asks is "Did I miss it? "No Earl. They're on like their fourth time though." I then pointed to the cats in the hall. Schitzy now using his hind legs, pressed against the wall to gain traction into Sunshine. The process had turned into a grudge-match.

Eventually, about four hours later Schitzy conked out. He was completely comatose and remained that way for about three days afterwards. Sunshine, now trembling crawled under my bed and refused to eat for several weeks. Another obvious victim of rape, he would now live in fear of cats on Viagra everywhere.

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