Kersey Valley Spookywoods

Freddy hearts Shannon
This is an archived post, please consider the age of the article when considering the information.

Greensboro in the 1800s?
High Point, North Carolina (2011) - So our little monsters are off with the grands at some retreat center in Asheboro, probably singing Kumbaya and shoveling marshmallows into their little mouths. This left me and Shan with the unusual opportunity to go out and be adults (or the lack thereof). I had been up since 5 AM and was fairly tired when my excited spouse busted through the door and asked what are we doing tonight. I said Spookywoods. She replied "huh?"

See Shan's never been to a "real" haunted house like we have in NC. She's seen some hokey California crap, but not the award winning, we-leave-the-chain-on-the-saw crazy haunted houses that we have here. Let's be honest, NC is good at at least two things: deep fried foods and haunted houses.

This is what a real nightmare looks like.
Now if you want the best haunted house in the Triad then it's pretty much Kersey Valley Spookywoods. (No really its rated #1) Now this fact is reflected in the high ticket cost and the lack of coupons available, but I can honestly say I think its worth it. However, I did start to wonder last night.

Last time I went to Kersey Valley Spookywoods, (not even sure what it was called then) I was a teenager and it was pretty much just some rednecks with big speakers, a scary house in a field, and a foot-path with a buried mattress. Fast forward ten years, and the place looks like its a budding amusement park. It was a bit shocking to see how much effort has been put into Spookywoods. However, their ticketing system lacked the same appeal. If I had one complaint, it would be that- though technically it's partially my own fault. I waited till the evening to buy the tickets online, confirming Shan had the gumption to handle it. I went online (about 6PM) and discovered that the soonest time was 8:45. So I purchased the tickets and we headed out after taking the dog for a walk. Most of these haunted houses like Kersey demand you be there at least 30 minutes prior anyways, and with parking I thought maybe they'd let us in early. (We arrived about 7:30.) Unfortunately the answer is no. In fact we would have been better to buy our tickets there and stand in the non-VIP queue. We ended up waiting 1.5 hours till our 8:45 reservation time to get in. (Didn't feel very VIP at that point.) You can't leave without another $5 parking fee (another caveat) and unless you're shovelling your face with funnel cakes or wish to be "buried alive" all you can do is stand there and hang out with Freddy Krueger. (He doesn't talk much.) At one point the "wench/gypsy" suggested she'd try to get us in earlier, (she ended up being super nice, just somewhat distracted) but failed to do so. Meanwhile, on several occasions she would scurry off and a few individuals (lets call them lost sheep) would slip into the secondary line (past the barrier) while we stood there obeying authority. It was really odd and it became a tad bit frustrating. They weren't all that busy, but yet we were forced into waiting much longer than those who bought their tickets in person on the spot (and without the surcharge I suspect). I realize we arrived earlier but I did feel there was an opportunity to leverage a better experience since they weren't that busy. If you're considering going to Kersey Valley Spooky Woods, do so before 9. When we finally made it into the secondary queue we witnessed a flood of people from no less than ten Greyhound buses.

Rednecks on a farm.
So finally we're ready to go in and if you're reading this contemplating whether it was all worth it and trying to decide whether to go- then yes, it was... GO! Kersey Valley Spookywoods rocks! It was another ten minute wait before your actually enter the Kersey Valley Farm House and are met with a scene from SAW, a mirrored maze and where decapitated heads are hitting you in the face. It's at this point you're starting to bond with the other 10-15 people that you're with as you begin a tractor pulled tram ride deep in to the Spookywoods of Kersey Valley. Down the dark footpath with a single strobe flashlight for the entire group where you're attacked from every direction. Screaming, running, cringing. The two young women behind us took note of our hand holding and made a comment to each other that they were going to do the same (There is no lesbophobia in Hell). By the time you exit the woods, you're sweating profusely in the 40 F weather, hoarse and giggling like some mad person.

Back on the tram to the cornfield. While in transit you're attacked by monsters who scare the crap out of you. This is when we're told by our group that they want us to lead. "What?" Shan pushes me to the front.... I felt like I was in an episode of Scooby Doo, tip toeing slowly through the Kersey Valley cornfield waiting for something to pop out and get me. At the same time, I'm trying to use science to determine shadows, looking down corn rows trying to perceive movement from swaying cornstalks. Its all futile, because the monster is standing beside you camouflaged as a plant as it grabs you and you scream and run!
I see you crapped your pants.
It's then you lose all rational thought as events spin out of control. Chainsaws, screams, people grabbing you. Now of course; your fun is directly related to the group you're with, but willing suspension of disbelief isn't that difficult.... because this place is really good. It's dark, treacherous, and once you initially become emotionally engaged, there's very little difference in reality and make-believe.

The experience continues with a castle, and Egyptian palace with many rooms, rocking walls, tumbling floors, spinning caves, and lots of screams. This is when we got to one of my favorite parts. An area of the Spookywoods where the plants come alive and the statues (angels) (like Doctor Who's "Blink" weeping angel) come alive and attack you. "Don't turn around, Don't blink." Kersey Valley Spookywoods had put me in the midst of one of the scariest science fiction episodes in the history of mankind, and for all intensive purposes it was real. I screamed, and screamed, and screamed, and screamed, and screamed some more... so much so that when the angel returned to her stoic position it appeared she was trying to contain a smile in her grin.

My gravestone marker when I'm dead.
The whole experience takes about 45 minutes once you actually get going and its super fun. Like the most fun I've had in months. We thumbed up the gypsy on the way out, and I realized that the wait was well worth it. I do believe the experience is much better when they're less busy, as the quiet isolation makes for more fear. If you buy your tickets online, I wouldn't show up more than 15-20 minutes early since there's nothing to do unless you want to do the buried alive simulator, eat funnel cake or roasted nuts (which smell like heaven while you wait).

I was not able to find any coupons for Kersey Valley Spooky woods, sans the one for the $5 off the $99 zip line which we did not do. In fact be prepared for some hidden costs. It's $25 a person, and you probably should book 12 hours in advance. However, the $25 is actually a lie. There's also a $3.00 convenience charge, and $6 processing fee (I'm guessing charged by the ticket vendor for facilitating the online ticket process) which brings the cost for 2 people to $59.00. This doesn't include parking, another $5. Total cost $64.00 for the date, and that doesn't include dinner. (We did not partake in any of the extra activities or foods.) Is it worth it? Absolutely. Kersey Valley Spookywoods is the most impressive, intense, haunted house I've been to and a lot of passion and hard work seems to have gone in to operating the place. It's also a one time thing. (or once every 10 year thing). Worth the money for a truly uniquely spooky experience. Go while you still can before you get a heart problems.
I once stayed at a hospital like this.
Shannon, of course had this to say:

It really was the most fun I've had in a long time! If felt like such a dork afterwards at how much I screamed, but couldn't help giggling and stop smiling afterwards. I loved the group dynamic of the whole thing. Like in the good horror movies the group put in tense situations suddenly allows for a group of complete strangers to quickly become comrades. At one point when a scary person flew out of a solid wall at me I turned to look towards the group to jump and scream like an idiot. Some complete stranger was so scared at one point in the dark that she hung on to me, grabbed and pinched my arm for dear life. It was hilarious! Not only do they play up the creepy factor but the startling is what gets you every time. At one pint Liv was shoving me as we were running from something behind her and I found myself screaming just because she was screaming. I have issues with claustrophobia and there was this part where you literally feel like you're being swallowed just to get through the tunnel. Holding Liv's hand is the only thing that kept me from freaking. It's a really great effect with inflatables. This place plays on all of your most primal fears. The use of fog and lack of light is used in balance to keep your adrenaline up and you on the defensive. Even when you know it's coming you still get startled in all the twists and turns. All rational thinking gets thrown out the window and instincts take over. Sometimes it's fun just to let it all go and admit that it's alright to act like a moronic idiot.


Popular posts from this blog

Tijuana Donkey Show

Can you mix R-12 Freon and R-134a? Yes.

Sightseeing in Coorg and Farting Indians.