Conviction of the Heart

Where are the dreams that we once had? 
This is the time to bring them back.
- Kenny Loggins
 Welcome to your life, there's no turning back.   -Tears for Fears

How can I possibly keep going down this path, blinded by reality, faithful to my convictions that a destiny awaits before me? Faith is rather scary word, especially when I use it to describe my life but yet I find it most accurately reflects my hope, my dreams, and most of all my future. Not in a religious sense, but maybe a "religious sense", that somewhere out there is the life I will live.

Never having figured out how the paths we chose yesterday seem to never lead to our expected arrivals, I'm never-the-less grateful to advent the terminus of choices from the past. So why do we continue to expect the outcomes of tomorrow to follow the actions of the present? How long must I wait to change? It's been too long coming. Certainly I know that life is never planned, life is lived at one moment at a time, in the dark, randomly circling in chaos waiting for the precise combination of fortune to make living worth all that we hope it to be. Yet we only have one life.

Last night in my journal I definitively answered the question of why I'm here. For the first time in quite sometime tears rolled down my face. I've given out many reasons to many people here, all which have a bit of truth, but none precisely defined exactly what it was I'm doing here. I now know the answer, and it's not pretty. I don't have some way of making it sound poetic, or spin it to make me sound like I'm less of a nutter. The reason I'm here, plain and simple is despite my inner conscience constantly telling me that there's something wrong with me, that I'm a failure on so many levels, that I'm broken, worthless, that something is seriously faulty with me as a human, despite all this, I have this voice inside still encouraging me to move forward, move faster, and do more. A song of heartbeats playing inside my soul trying to evoke courage to continue, screaming at me to get up and overcome my own dissent. Wailing at me to just remember the dreams I once had if I'm just brave enough to have conviction of the heart.


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