Zombie Zoo


Pizza Parlor, Interior, Day. Character 1 and Character 2 await their pizza at a booth within the establishment.
CHARACTER 2
I'm sooooo hungee!

(pause)

CHARACTER 1
Ok, it's the zombie apocalypse and you've locked yourself into the zoo. What animal do you eat first?
CHARACTER 2
Where the fuck did that come from?
CHARACTER 1
What do you think people do when they're starving during war, don't be naive!
It starts with their pets. During the Franco-Prussian war, the French ate their dogs and cats, soldiers ate their horses, and the royalty ate from their zoos.
CHARACTER 2
Ewww. That's fucking sick dude. Who the fuck would eat furry fucking puppies?
CHARACTER 1
Hungry people.
CHARACTER 2
Giraffe.
CHARACTER 1
What?
CHARACTER 2
I'd eat the giraffe first.
CHARACTER 1
Why the giraffe?
CHARACTER 2
I've never ate giraffe.
(pause)
I mean, what's more exotic than eating a giraffe? If your going turn neanderthal, spear an animal, then roast it for dinner- a giraffe seems pretty epic to me.
CHARACTER 1
It is an herbivore. Does make you wonder why most of the protein humans have chosen to consume are herbivore animals, yet we're carnivores. I think I might break the mold and go for some tiger. That or those annoying little penguins.
CHARACTER 2
What the fuck!!! You'd eat a penguin? 
CHARACTER 1
That and all the damn clown fish I could find. I mean can you imagine the faces of children everywhere if the zombie apocalypse ended early.
(in reporter voice)
In other news, the fish from Finding Nemo and the penguin from Happy feet died in a senseless crime where one zoo patron mistakenly believed they were starving to death during the apocalypse. The individual is now under psychiatric evaluation while children everywhere mourn the loss of their cartoon heroes.
CHARACTER 2
That is just some fucked up shit.

(pause)
I wonder what an anteater tastes like?
CHARACTER 1
Probably crap... or chicken. Owls, anteaters, and elephants are on the bottom of my "most tastiest" list at the zoo.
CHARACTER 2 
Bet elephants are juicy. Finger licking...
CHARACTER 1
How are you going to eat an elephant? That's just gluttony! I mean how do you even cook it?
CHARACTER 2 
I dunno. Giant fire? Or maybe I could just cut off what I need and let it live.
CHARACTER 1
Oh my god, you're a psychopath! Elephants are sensitive creatures! They're not roaming buffets. I can't believe you would say that!
CHARACTER 2
So it's okay for you to eat horse in France, but I can have my delicious two-ton-tender-loving elephant steak, roasted on woodchips and nuts, covered in butter and blue cheese, and seared to Dumbolicious perfection?
(short pause)
FUCK YOU!
CHARACTER 1
I'm just saying, you need the elephants for transportation, or to move things around. Perhaps we should base our survival on rational means. Those animals who provide the highest amount of nutrition and on which animals have the higher rate of metabolism.
CHARACTER 2
Really? While you're wasting away counting calories my ass will be riding around on Thomas-The-Zoo-Train with my conductor hat, and my army of gorillas, ready to mange mon petit éléphant.
Waiter arrives with a huge pizza, Character 2 immediately grabs a piece of pizza, winks at character 1, then proceeds to eat making noises of exaggerating eating till annoy character 1. Character 2 has a thought and stops eating.
CHARACTER 2 (CONT.)
You know what's naive? Thinking we ever had a choice. Being so certain that we, an animal species ourselves would not be the first to be eaten by something else. You and me, we're just two fat Americans tenderloins waiting for something to find us delicious. When it all comes down to it, we're just two pieces of meat eating a meat-lover's pizza, surviving in a world that wants to consume itself.

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