Showing posts from November, 2013

Le Ketchup

CHARLOTTE Ooh la la, qu'est-ce que tu fais? SOPHIE Je suis sur le point de manger mon hot-dog. CHARLOTTE Non! non! non! Arrête ça! Tu as mis du ketchup sur le hot-dog. Mon Dieu! SOPHIE  C'est quoi? CHARLOTTE Tu ne peux pas mettre le ketchup sur les hot-dogs. SOPHIE C'est fou! CHARLOTTE La moutarde, les oignons, la choucroute, mais pas le ketchup. Il est blasphématoire de mettre du ketchup sur un hot-dog! SOPHIE Qui a dit cela? CHARLOTTE Moi, et le monde entier. SOPHIE Je m'en fous! J'adore le goût du tomate sucré sur mon hot-dog. Il est mon droit de manger mon hot-dog avec du ketchup. CHARLOTTE Vous me dégoûtes. SOPHIE Suis-je pas libre? Libre de penser comme je veux, faire comme je veux? Pour manger un hot-dog comme je veux? CHARLOTTE Non. SOPHIE Pour quoi? CHARLOTTE Il y a la moutarde allemande et la moutarde française, mais pas le ketchup allemand ou le ketchup français. Pourquoi? SOPHIE C'est stupide. Qui a le droit de me dire comment manger mon hot-dog? CHARLOTTE Barack Obama. SOPHIE Qui? CH…

The Ohio Monologue.

I was about to lose my flippin' mind on our summer road-trip holiday to Canada. That’s when we decided to stop at this crap-ass hotel outside of Columbus, Ohio- otherwise referred to herein as HELL. 
(pause) It’s one of those Hotwire Hot Rates that should list the features as: smells like smoke, and feels like sex. The mattress had enough Bio-Human-Transference that my comforter was legally registered as a sex offender in thirteen counties. To make matters worse, we had been driving for the last ten hours in a rental car equipped with a radio permanently tuned to intolerant Christian televangelists who thinks Obama is Satan, gays belong in Hell, and America is fulfilling its manifest destiny. I would have purposely driven over a small child for something with a bass note that didn’t sound like “Burn in Hell”. The only thing that stopped me from driving to the radio station and knocking the Bible out of their ass was pizza.
Yes, pizza. A three foot wide pizza whi…

East Meets West

PARIS BAR, INTERIOR, NIGHT CHARLOTTE, and SOPHIE sit at a table as BILLIE-JEAN enters through the bar door, dragging an over sized piece of luggage and approaches CHARLOTTE. BILLIE-JEAN Are you smoking? I hope your choking! On your own words, you perverted smoking wench whore. CHARLOTTE Oh my God, BILLIE-JEAN!!! How did you... BILLIE-JEAN Find your cheating ass? What is she, 18? CHARLOTTE Can we not do this somewhere else? BILLIE-JEAN  No, we're going to do this right here. I flew half-way around the world, sat next to afro-permed women who smelled like crotch, was half-molested by a German speaking midget on the Metro, and arrived at this bar to surprise you.... only to see you with this French speaking skank. CHARLOTTE Oh, well, SOPHIE is just a friend Billie. (pause) Oh My God, Billie! You're really here! It's such a surprise! (to SOPHIE) Je suis desole, mon amie a suprise moi. BILLIE-JEAN WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST SAY TO HER? CHARLOTTE I just said that you surprised me. BI…